Sunday, August 17, 2014

Short Story for Critique

A couple weeks back I wrote the following really short short story (just under 300 words). My goals were A) Play with this premise idea, B) Play with a plot twist, and C) Do something mildly productive while I waited for my sister.

I now present it to you, and I'd love to get feedback, mainly on the success or lack thereof of the twist I used, but I'd love to hear anything you have to say.


The judge brought down his gavel, quieting the boisterous crowd.
“We are here today,” he said in a crisp voice, “to announce the punishment of this man, for his multiple accounts of murder.”
Harold’s stomach squirmed, and he couldn’t keep his fingers still. Please not death, please not death… or if death at least something… traditional.
“A jury of our community’s most respected members has met twice and come to a final decision.” The judge nodded at a group of well-dressed people seated next to his dais.
Not death. Not death. Not the vampire.
Harold risked a glance at the dirty, wild haired man chained up on the other side of the room. He glared and snarled at Harold.
If they chose death, of course they would use the vampire. The vampire was new. And the “respected” community members wanted to make an example.
And of course that example had to be him. He swallowed hard and ran his tongue along the back side of his teeth.
A woman handed the judge and envelope.
Sweat trickled down Harold’s spine, and he put a hand on his throat.
The judge opened the envelope. “The jury has decided death by vampire.”
Harold’s stomach clenched, and he tried to swallow down a wave of nausea. A hand pushed him forward, into the center of the room. Two men led the snarling man to stand in front of him.
“The vampire for this execution is Harold Latchebrisk.” A light round of applause circled the room. Bile rose in Harold’s throat. In a matter of minutes, he’d taste nothing but the dirty, metallic flavor of blood, and, in the eyes of everyone there, he’d be nothing more than a weapon. He followed the guards and the murderer to the execution room. 

I think there's more I could do with this, but until I have time to pursue this particular plot bunny, it shall stay as is. Thanks for reading!

14 comments:

  1. Oh very nice! The twist was a success, in my opinion! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was an awesome twist. Admittedly, it took me a few minutes to understand what the twist actually was (but I've been sick for the past few days, so my brain may be kind of fuzzy). But it was a good story. :)

    ~Robyn

    ReplyDelete
  3. WhooOOOAAAA!!!!! That was AMAZING!!!! I looooove iiiiittttt!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Very intriguing! I would read on. And the twist was excellent. I didn't guess it at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I'm so glad you thought so.

      Delete
  6. Lovely short story, with an interesting, strategic (and might I add) elaborate twist! 'Tis a very engaging read, and were this not a 300-word blog post, a real page turner.

    In my opinion, you're sitting on a potential best-seller waiting to happen, but, as you mentioned, these things take time.. Good luck if you decide to take up this plot.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. BTW, Is this a manuscript for the NaNoWriMo challenge?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! No, this isn't what I'll be working on for (this) NaNo. I don't have a plot or anything else beyond this short scene, and I'd like to finish another draft of my WIP before I pick up a new story.

      Delete
  8. Awesome! I actually came to find out about NaNo from your blog badge on the sidebar yesterday. I've already come up w' the plot and, against ALL odds, will do my very best to jot down 50,000 words before 30th. I'm crazy, aren't I? :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Eh, no crazier than the rest of us who attempt NaNo. ;) Good for you! I hope it goes well. NaNo's super fun. Mildly insane, but fun.

    ReplyDelete