Sunday, April 1, 2012

Mom! Lily's Gone All Shakespeare Again!

Beware!  My readers dearest, for last night I did watch an insult to the great name of the Bard, and now am inclined and find it within my power to to blog-rant about it.  By these warning words I declare that this post shall be written in as close a proximity to the language of the great William Shakespeare as this writer can pull from the heart and put into a mostly grammatical fashion.  Also! within these scrambled scribblings will you find the great rant monster, for 'tis he hath lead me to this blank page for the purpose of letting said monster and all vexations as to the inferiority of such a visual recording loose into the blogosphere!   I fear too, dear friends that contained within the walls of this little snow-like composition editor, I shall be inclined to use marks of exclamation so much as to defy rational thought.  Bear with me, and know the suffering of the play known as The Tempest was horrendous, and shortly you shall see that a slaughtering such as that I had to bear last even' was worthy of exclamation points so many!

The first fault I shall fill with the pudding of disgusted prose is that of the wind spirit, Ariel.  The director of this twice brine-dipped farce introduced our mischi'vous spirit as coming from a pool of water.  This, as I dost remember from the bare script o' the play, is false.  Remember that defining adjective and magical noun pair from the first sentence of this paragraph; "wind spirit".  Though 'tis possible our Ariel could preform such a feat, I find it in error.  As to the rest of Ariel's performance, it stank with the fetid smell of long dead fish.  I did not find the actor's acting appealing.  And, to worsen the picture, each time did this apparition appear, the makers of the visual recording did apply too liberally the use of computer graphics most appalling and of a kaleidoscopic nature that did clash with the setting of the play.

The next target of my ridicule is the music.  The first scene which did use the atrocious music was indeed the worst.  It combined the use of electrically powered guitar music and the awful graphics in the scene where Ariel did pour vengeance in fiery form onto the ship of the traitorous Antonio.  The music afterwards was almost as revolting, using modern instruments that felt divorced from the heart of the play.

The costumes, though more subtly ill fitting, were disappointing and beyond what I consider inappropriate for such a story.  Zippers were the main cause of my excessive eye-lolling.  Zippers? Truly?  And this be a recording t'was nominated for a best costume award of some kind!  Let me clarify myself as to the usage of zippers:  the zipping closures were only used for decorative purposes, and seemed to have no true function!  As you may see wearers of "Gothic" clothing brandishing on their persons today.  'Twas most stupid I tell you, most stupid indeed.

One last remark before I return to sanity.  The prince, Ferdinand, betwixt whose ears did lie a desert barren, lacked most completely the vocal charms that were required to serenade the lovely Miranda, and when he ope'd his lips did issue forth a song that would make wolves cover their ears!  'Twas ridiculous, and did only make more child-like his appearance. 

The makers of this moving picture I believe made a fatal error in trying to combine the classic charm of the Bard's immortal work with the troll vomit they call "modern" elements.  I do not object to taking the bare bones o' the story and creating a modern twist set in a modern time, providing it be not too far removed and make not fun of the original, but to keep a play in its original setting and then to force upon it these "modern" elements with which it doth clash 'tis most appalling, and doth nothing good to the reputation of the creators.  Acclaimed this picture may be, but only by those who see not the original for its genius and find the "modern" items appealing to their warped taste. 

Ah, I find my soul much relieved.  If you have waded thus far through my rantings and slanderings of those who reside in Hollywood, I urge you to view this retelling of the classic tale "The Three Little Pigs", told in this most wonderful form of English.  I find it quite amusing.

Now go forth and enjoy this day! May the wind be at you back, and chocolate always within your reach.


  1. Question, seeing as we're on the topic of Shakespeare the PLAYWRIGHT, are you doing the OLL event of Script Frenzy, or Screnzy for short?

    1. Nope. One crazy writing event a year is good enough for me. Plus, I'm not really into scripts. I'll stick to novels. What about you?

    2. I like scripts well enough, but you said it: one event is enough.